The Flaming of Twila, Da Gurl Who Was In Love
by Liza MMX
Summary: I am flaming Twila, Da Gurl Who Was In Love W/ A Vampyre  The full title wouldn't fit .
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I'm baaaaaaack. This is My Flaming of Twila, Da Girl Who Was In Luv W A Vampir. And, dear god, did it hurt me to type that. The title of this was, originally, completely capitalized. Now, for a little history:

This fanfiction was originally written sometime in 2008. It was written by **Twila Beautiful Psyco Topaz Culle****n** (I added spaces, just in case the auto correct assumed it was a URL), and was deleted by our mods here at this lovely site because (and I'm quoting the author here) " DELTED IT BECUZ OF BAD GRAMMOR ND THEY R FUKEIN PREPZ OK." The fanfiction was reposted shortly after she fixed enough grammatical errors to slip by the mods for a short time.

With the Twilight craze sweeping the nation in 2008, following the release of the first movie, fanfiction writers and readers quickly flocked to the Twilight section and read the fanfiction. It was quickly dubbed the My Immortal of the Twilight universe, and was reposted by "fans" after it was deleted a second time.

Some have rumored TBPTC to be Tara Gillespie (the author of My Immortal, for those of you who don't know) in disguise shortly after she discovered Twilight. (For the fans of both Twilight and Harry Potter, dwell on that a second. Scary, isn't it?)

Before we start, I'd like to make it clear that I like Twilight. It's not the best series ever written, but I like it. I don't like Edward, though. I think it's because he just strikes me the wrong way (if that makes any sense). I like all of the other Cullens (yes, even Bella), just not Edward.

I won't bash Edward, because I respect the fact that some of my readers may like him.

The bold text is, quite obviously, not mine.

This is the original Author's note of the first chapter (it was removed when she reposted the story), just to give you a taste of what we're dealing with here.

**hay guyz my nami is Twila Beautiful PSyco Topaz Cullem. i go 2 skewl in waschington wif da SEXIIEST VAMPYRE EVER, hiz name iz edward cullen n he iz sooo sexii n hot n gerad way mite play him in da movi TWILITE!1 **

No! God, no! Robert Pattinson may have not been the best choice for Edward, but Gerard would be TERRIBLE!

**omfg i wuld hav an organism **

No! You or Tara Gillespie are not allowed to procreate!

**lolol****but neway dis iz mi stori its called XXX TWILA, THE GURL WHO WAS IN LUV WIF A VAMPIR XXX' ok btw im gothik n so is edword **

Dear god, and I thought I couldn't dislike Edward more.

**so we wer ment to b ok! so haterz bak off n if u lyk bella den fuk U! **

I'm only guessing that was how she spelled "fuck". I got this AN from a blog about bad fanfics (the rest is from a repost by Semiotic), and she censored it with 3 asterisk, so I drew my own conclusion.

**ok thanx 2 my editar, Midnite Cullen (dnt get ne ideaz shez not marred 2 ed, she iz maried 2 jasper)**

But…Jasper's surname is Hale.

**plz plz plz giv me reviews plz i wuld lyk dat, **

Oh, we'll give you reviews, all right.

**this is da 1st time i eva rote a stori,**

Judging by your grammar, it's the first time you've written at all. If you wrote this on notebook paper, I wouldn't doubt that in the top margin is a drawing of a horse with 'I drawed a ponee' next to it.

**btw my infleuence is enoby darkness dementia ravn way! i fink she iz da best OK ENJOY GUYZ**

If I may quote Bennett the Sage: Our story begins.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx TWILA, DA GIRL WHO WAS IN LUV W/ A VAMPIRxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

**CHAPTER 1**

**Hi my name is Twila Beatiful Psyco Topaz **

How fitting. A terrible name for a terrible character.

**(not cullen yet, bcuz i ddnt meet edward yet) **

Way to spoil the whole story.

**n i live in waschington wif my sister Midnite. we liv in a dark house that iz far away from every1 els n we r vampires. we feest on blood **

"Vampire" kind of implies drinking blood for sustenance.

**n no1 else noes dat we are vampirs. **

I wish they did, so the Volturi would kill your ass.

**not evn are mom wich is y we moved away to b by ourselves. **

Because that's so legal without a court approved emancipation.

**yes we r LONERS.**

**i go 2 a hi school n every1 finks dat im really hott, **

And it begins. Buckle up, kids. We got 11 more chapters of this.

**i hav strait blak hair nd topez eyes n mi sister midnte is da same accept she has magenta eyez. **

So, you feed on animals, your sister either feeds on humans or is a newborn vampire and you both live together by yourselves. Yes, that's a perfectly healthy household.

**i wear lots of blak makup on mi eyes even tho i hav dark ciircles under my eyes, **

You can't have dark circles. Dark circles under the eyes is a form of bruising. Bruising is a result of blood coming to the surface of the skin and causing discoloration. You, as a vampire (who sparkles in this universe), have no blood and, therefore, cannot have dark circles.

**(a/n ok if u think thats lame then FUK U, edword has dem too **

Only when he needs to feed, so you fail. (I think the reason it does that is because the remaining blood starts to bruise around the eyes.)

**and steraphie myers sed hes realli hot ok.) **

I don't seem to recall her saying that, ever.

**i dnt lyk any1 at mi school, i am a missenthrop (a/n loook it up) **

I did.

Misanthrope: noun; a person who dislikes or distrusts human kind

Frankly, I'm shocked that she knows a 3 syllable word as difficult as misanthrope.

**that menz i hate other ppl accept midnite.**

If you were going to tell us, why tell us to look it up?

**one day i met a realli sexi vampore named EDWARd CULLENS**

I WANT to BE kewL AnD RANdoMLY cAPATALLize ThinGS ToO!

**he haz realli white skin lyk me. **

He's a vampire with no blood flow to make the skin pink. Of course he's pale. That's common sen…oh, right.

**he is satan's gift to dis planet **

Oh, dear. Not another one.

**(a/n I DONT BELEVE IN GOD I AM N ATHEIST. i thnk saten created dis universe **

Then you are not an atheist. An atheist doesn't believe in any religion.

**god bles u satan u r alwayz in mi heart.) **

My god. That is so fail, it is win.

**so anywey i met him i nda skewl n he was wif some fukking ugli ass bytch named bella swann. **

I'm just going out on a limb here and guessing she dislikes Bella.

**she waz soo stupid n she kept fallin out of her seat. **

Well, she IS clumsy.

**edwward lookd at me lyk wtf is dis gurl doing. i smiled at him sexi and aventerous **

How do you smile at someone in an adventurous way?

**n he new rite away that i wuz a vampir, i culd tell from his eyes wich were da same collor as mine.**

Not to far of a reach that it's impossible (or implausible), but far enough of a reach where it's stupid.

**"Heyy" he sed walkn away from bella. dere were some gay ass ghetto ppl in his way doin da SOLDA BOY CRANK DANce **

I'm not sure if that's terribly racist, considering she said "people" and didn't specify race, or just so idiotic, that I'm shocked that sentence didn't crash Word. I'm going with idiotic.

And the Soulja Boy isn't "gay" or "ghetto". We taught our choir teacher to do it…well, my fellow students did. This white girl can't dance.

**n he jus lookd at dem with his dethly eyes n they iran away. **

So they didn't threaten to bust a cap in his ass?

**i realy hat cliks n gheto ppl fink they r kewl, **

Not the people I know. The people I know who can be considered "ghetto" act and dress the way they do because they like the fashion they're following.

**i giv dem the middle finger in the halwayz**

-.- Still better than "I put my middle finger up at them"

**n itz l;ke YEA HUS TUFF NOW LOL rite**

Lolwut?

**neway edward n i sat 2getha at da lunch tabel n bella stard at us wif dat poser jakob. **

What the…he doesn't even go to the same school! The school he supposedly goes to is 35 minutes and 14.3 miles away from Forks High School (yes, I Googled it).

**ed ddnt pay ne atencion to her at all. **

Why do I get the feeling that Edward would break her neck if she called him Ed? And, quite frankly, as brainless as this story is, I'm not getting visual images of Robert Pattinson's Edward (let's be honest, does anyone believe she's read the books?) I'm getting a visual image of Ed from Ed, Edd, and Eddy.

**he told me al abot how he iz a vampir n his dad carlose **

Carlisle's Spanish?

**wnated 2 meet me. **

He can't read minds that far away.

**n his sisters alice, rosmarie, **

ROSALIE! Her name is ROSALIE! The people who spell it Rosaline I can understand, because from my understanding, there are versions of the books out there with it spelled that way.

**jasper n emet all luved me rite away n his mom esmi wnted 2 meet me 2.**

If you're going to write a story, and you're not quite sure how the names are spelled, GOOGLE IT!

**so we kut skewl **

Because that's always good for the illiterate.

**early n went to his realli big house in da woods n jasper is realli big and muscelar **

That's Emmett. Jasper is tall and wiry. The one character's name she spells correctly, and she gets his physical description wrong.

**so he jst nocked down all da treez in da way.**

Because that's extremely subtle.

**when we got there carlose came to da door imedately. he gasped in surpise at my beauty**

*facedesk* At least Tara waited until chapter 2 or 3 to get to this crap.

**"You Must be twila, my u certenly r attraxive" **

"You must be Twila, you certainly smell appetizing" would be more in character than this.

**he teasd me seductevly. **

SO WRONG!

**ed, jasp, emet, alison n rosaline all growld at him angrly, **

Because nearly attacking a man, who has pretty much been a father to you for 50+ years and taught you how to control your thirst for human blood by channeling it to drink from animals, just for hitting on a girl you just met is respectful.

**all sensitive becuz they liked me 2 **

I think she may be worse than Tara.

**besidez it wusnt fare cuz he was alreadi married.**

Well, she got one thing right.

**"Yea thats me lol" **

Does she really say "lawl" after everything?

**i told him and bowed (a/n dats wat they do in japanese becuz its polite) **

Oh, yes. That's not racially insensitive.

**"nice to met you i said.**

**"So i hear ur a vampir, cum in my house n we can talk about it."**

I'd rather you not.

**I waz sooo excited n i ran in quikly in every1 followed me, we were alreadi frends.**

What the-She's supposed to be a misanthrope! They don't trust people, let alone become friends. I can excuse her trusting/being friends with her sister, but this is nuts! I suppose you can argue that the definition is someone who doesn't trust HUMAN kind and vampires aren't human, but they kind of are. They're just dead, feed on blood, and sparkle in the sun light. Only difference

**XXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAPTE 1XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**PLZ GUYZ TELL ME IF ITS GUD**

It's gud. But it's wasn't good.

So that's Chapter 1. Let me know what you guys think.


	2. Chapters 2 through 3

A/N: I'm glad you guys like this. I'll be doing 2 chapters at a time to make this go faster.

**FLAMERZ BAK OFF OK. **

No, this is too much fun!

**mi engish is fine **

Oh, you poor, delusional, illiterate little Muppet.

**u dnt hav to b a bytch about it **

Oh, I think we do.

**u fukkin homos. if u lik bella i sed not 2 red cuz u wuld be offenced. i red dis book **

Does anyone here truly believe this? I don't.

**a lot of tims i fink i no der names.**

Is that why Carlisle's name is Carlos?

**and wateva u say, DUNT DISS TARA GELSBIE. **

You're about 10 months to late.

**OK. SHE IS A FUKKING GRATE RITER**

Is it Opposite Day?

**OK HERE IS CHAPTA 2.**

**XXXXXXXXXXXXX CHAPTER 2 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**Wen i walkd in2 da house edward disapered and den appered at da piano (hez a vamprie he kan do that.) **

Vamps in this universe don't have teleportation powers. If that were the case, James would've killed Bella quicker than you could snap your fingers.

**he storted 2 play Famous Last werds by mi chemical romans. **

Excellent song, but Edward + My Chemical Romance= Terrible combination

**i started 2 sing in my beatifull voice **

EBONY WAS LESS CONCEITED!

**"Wel i kno that i kan make u stay, wel den were iz ur heart? were iz ur heart?" every1 gasped, **

Here we go.

**even tho they were vampirs they didnt hav voices lyk me. **

Nfvefnmkje jfkoshnfjioeahnfau fnkoanfawhnrf mfkoaikmlf;jema

FYI, that, up there ^, was me banging my head on the keyboard.

**OUT of nowere they all jumped up nd tried to tak off my cloths.**

Well, we got here quicker than expected.

**"WOT R U DOING?" i creamed. **

Pass the brain bleach, please. Oh, we're out? Then here's a little something to clear your mind. The heaviest woman to ever pose nude on the internet was 865 pounds.

**deir eyes were red n they had all turned in2 savagez. **

Doctor Cox, would you like to take this one?

Dr. Cox: Certainly, *clears throat* Wrong wrong wrong wrong, wrong wrong wrong wrong. You're wrong, You're wrong, You're wrong!

Thank you.

**den they stoppd and confused.**

They're probably wondering what the fuck they're doing here.

**"Sorry Twila." edward sed. "sometimes wen we c some1 we kant resist we turn in2 beasts. **

For the last time, this is not a text message! Talk normally!

**it wnt hapen agen" puting bak on mi clothe.**

Good, god, where is her beta? I say we start a search party.

**"Itz ok a lot of ppl r attracted to me" i excplaned. they all understod.**

No, I'm sorry. I prefer Tara's story.

**"it must be ur blood" **

SHE. IS. A. VAMPIRE. SHE. DOES. NOT. HAVE. ANY. BLOOD-AH!

**sed carlose in horrofied. "Beauty, u hav the most rare n exotic blood in all da world, **

I truly think this girl has some serious self-worth issues and needs professional help. She's reflecting herself onto a character that she deems perfect in every way. Tara was normal compared to this.

**evry vampir wil want to drink it. itz much betta den that other gurls, wats her name?"**

**"Dat bytches nam is bella" sed jasper growling. **

Jasper calling someone, who hasn't done a damned thing to him OR his family, a bitch? That's not very much like a southern gentleman.

**Midnite hugged him **

When the fuck did she show up?

**so he wuldnt get 2 angry n apper in bellas house n strangle her wif 1 tuch of his finger cuz hes realli strong lyk da hulk.**

That's so…I'm not sure.

**"twila, i wnat u 2 marri me" sudenly screemed alise hu was a plebian. **

According to the Google, the way she's spelled it is wrong (its plebeian and means belonging to the common folk) but Word recognizes it as being spelled correctly…my god, SHE BROKE MY SPELL CHECK!

**edward rowred at her, **

Dunno why, but… RUMBLEROAAAAAAAR

**furius n all protective n sudenly... he htransformed!**

Transformers! Robots in disguise!

**"OMFG NOOOO" i shouted cuz i dint want ne1 2 get hurt. eds shirt bursted opened wif mussels. **

And those weird painted on abs from New Moon.

**his topazz eyez turnd pure blak with strengt n energy n he jumped at alice**

SURPRISE BUTTSEX!

**"TWOLA IS MARRING ME ALREADI" **

Since when?

**he sed wif his voice was booming n all da windows exploded n da glass rained down lik in dat avril laven video wer she punches da miror n da glass all flyes out around her. **

Ummm…what? Which video is she talking about?

**He storted 2 fite with alice to da death over me.**

**"Guyz guys" i suddenly compromized "Guess wat srry im not a lebian." alice started 2 cry tearz of blood. "Y r her tears blood" i asked all curios**

Well, at least she's going to explain it.

**"Oh no this is bad" said emet hu had been in da bathrom da hole time. **

Why? Did he have to poo? I…don't think that's possible.

**"wen we cry our tearz r blood n its da blood of our victims, **

…I think I just got one of those "dude-ur-so-retarted" looks Tara spoke of in My Immortal. And with that, my IQ has now dropped 20 points.

**shez losin blood n now she wil be thirsy agen. RUN"**

But…She's not human.

**Alic tryed 2 jump at me and tare my flesh but i movd out of da way n she attakd rosemarie instead hu was prety but she waznt as prety as me **

She's prettier than Rosalie? She's a witch! BURN HER!

**n her throat flew open. n blood poured out everywere n alice ate it.**

Kind of hard to eat blood.

**"Ohh mi satan" i said heartbrokn becuz i causd so much truble. **

"Oh, woe is me. I'm such a textbook damsel in distress!"

**edward jus laughed "its ok babe"**

Your adopted sister was just, more or less, killed and he's laughing it up…way to go, you just made Edward OOC. One of the easiest characters to get in the entire series, and you fuck him up. Amazing.

**he said nd kissed me for da 1st time! (He had turned back from blak ed to white ed **

What? …I'm confused.

**(a/n HEZ LIK HOTSANHARU FROM FRUITY BASKET) **

I've never read, or seen FRUITS Basket, but I'm sure she didn't get anything right.

**n he was calm agen.) "Shez a vampir, shell just cum bak 2 life."**

…What the-

And the-

But the-

WHY?

HOW CAN THIS POSSIBLY MAKE SENSE TO ANYONE WITH A BRAIN? And there I go answering my own questions again.

**so they sedeted alison n she fel asleep n rose came bak 2 lyf. we had berger king 4 diner bcuz i had 2 hurry. n then i went home thinsking of edword the hole time and how his flami hot lips felt on my. his body waz so warm n i culdnt wate to c him agen.**

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAPTA**

**OK PPL HU REVIEW 2 SAY SHIT ABOUT MI STORI CAN GO FUKK DEMSELFS. **

I…am not going to comment.

**my stori is beleiveble **

Honey, not even in a world where vampires SPARKLE does this make sense.

**u just hav 2 keep readin n u can c y!1 **

Damn my curiosity!

**but to ppl hu gav me good reveiws, **

The f- WHO GAVE THIS A GOOD REVIEW?

**THANX U GUYZ ROKK 333 LUV U**

**CHAPTER 3**

**"Hey betch wat r u doin home." midnite asked.**

**"u hav 2 promise not 2 say nething..."**

You're loners and misanthropes (very close to a synonym there, but still), who the fuck will she tell? Her imaginary friend?

**i sed nervly n midnite laffed n sed "hu wuld i say somthing 2, we r loners remeber?"**

Finally someone has sense in this thing!

**"o yea" i sed and told her evrythin dat hapened. she gosped wen i told her abot edword kissing me. "SO WATE" she scremed "R U GUYZ IN LUV NOW OR WHUT?"**

-.- And there goes my hope for Midnite.

**"ya were goin 2 homecuming 2getha." **

Wh-SINCE WHEN?

**i showd her my blakk dress wif lace n leather n my spiky black shoez. "edword sed he liks dese." **

DID WE JUMP IN THE FUCKING TARDIS?

**we laffed happy 2gether n danced arond da house. we were so happi 4 me. i sang tenagerz by mcr. **

Even if you were to break into song, why would you sing that? It has nothing to do with the situation at hand?

**den. ... DA DOOR NOCKED!**

Oh, noes! *queue Dramatic Prairie Dog*

**"TWIL WERE R U. sum1 asked frum outside. i went 2 da door n it was alison. **

We must have a Snape/Snap/Severus Vodemort/Voldexmort Dumbledore/Dumbledork style multiple personality disorder going on here.

**i scremed. IF U FUKKING TRI 2 SUKK MI BLOOD AGEN ILL GET ED **

For someone who has been built up (to the best of the author's ability) as a badass, she sure turned into a pansy quikly.

**i told her. she bast in2 tearz. midnite quikly jumoed up 2 defend me but i told her to go awey bcuz i culd handle alis.**

Then why were just saying you'd cry for Edward if she tried to come after you?

**"ok y did u cum here." i sed. alisenz blody tears dint scare me. i new she had enuf blood 2 last cuz of wen she attaked alison. **

She attacked her…self? HUH?

**"i felt sooo bad 4 tring to drink ur blood" she histericly cry. "i wnted 2 alopogize wif a present."**

**"All i wnat in dis world is edword, n i hav him so noting u can giv me matterz." i shucffed at her. But den ... she held up 2 TIKKETS 2 A MCR CONSERT!**

ZOMG!

**"OMFGGGGG!111" i was static. i grabed dem from her n gave 1 2 midnite. "actully" alison wimpered "1 was suposed 2 be 4 me. so we cold go 2getha"**

**"But i wanted 2 go wif ed" i shoted. **

Well, you're a bitch.

**i imagned his beutiful face wif his blakk eyliner n blakk lipstik. **

Ew.

**n his smexi bodi. OK alison sed. "we can jus tak mi hole family. esmet realli luvs mcr 2"**

No! SHE'S RAPING THE CANON!

**so we went to da consert n ed n i had innercoarse on da way. evry1 tought we wer so cute.**

This is one fucked up family.

**"THIS NITE WALK DA DEAD" scremed gerad way. den... EVENIEZENCE KAME ON! dey sand a duet wif mcr. den dey sang sum more stuff.**

…Does she just not know the songs?

**emet had an ejaxclamation **

I'm SO adopting that word into my vocabulary.

**in da audience n sudenly HE TURNED IN2 A BAT. "OH SHITTTTT NOOOO" EDWard sighed. "dis is bad too twola, dis is realli bad." all dis bad stuf kept hapening wile i was wif dem. **

Well, do the math, honey. Since you've been with this family, there's been 2 terrible events. The common denominator is you.

**vampirs turn int2 batz wen dey r realli exited n evry1 wuld no his secret but no1 cared cuz dey wer all gothz. **

…She's offending any goth readers I may have. She's making them sound like idiots.

**gerad lookd at him from da stage n he jumpd down thru da crowd n came over 2 us.**

**"Hey r u a bat."**

Oh, no. I just had the "dude-ur-so-retarded" expression again. I'm running out of IQ points.

**he sed in his fukking killer voce. i CREAMED so loud **

Ew.

**bcuz i luvvv gerad wif all my lyfe. his makueup waz runing bcuz he waz cring cuz dey sang helen **

Well, at least Tara got the name right.

**(a/n dat song is abot his grandpa **

Yes, his GRANDFATHER's name was HELENA. Because that's SUCH a man's name.

**hu dyed RIP GERARDS GRANPA) **

Well, she KIND OF got the story correct.

**but he glarced at emset n tuched his wings n he turned bak.**

**gerad went home wif da cullenz bcuz he nd emet becam bfs. **

WHEN?

**cuz dey fell in luv. **

HOW? EXPLAAAAAIIIIN!

**i was sooo jealous but ed got angy n i told him i luv him so it waz ok. **

So, he's hen-pecked.

**WE ALL WENT HOM N I GOT GERARDS AUTOGRAF.**

Because that's what I do to all of my famous friends, is pester them for autographs.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAPTE**

**PLZ GUYZ GIV ME MOR REVEIWS I FINK DIS WAZ A REALLI GUD CHAPTER**

So, that's that, then. Thank you guys so much for the subs. You guys rule, I couldn't do this without you.

I'm currently in the process of trying to get permission from someone to use their story on here. There's not many grammar mistakes, but it's horribly out of cannon and is in the Harry Potter genre. Cross your fingers and hope that I get his permission. It's not set in stone that I'll use it if I do get permission, but, seeing as he still writes on here, I want to get his permission to use his story before I "flame" it, so to speak.


	3. Chapters 4 through 5

Here we go, guys!

**OK PPL I AM NOT A TROL! **

I kinda wish you were.

**I AM A VAMPIR OK GET IT STRAIT **

You can't be serious.

**THANX FOR DA PPL HU GAVE ME GUD REVEIWS **

IT'S A TRAP!

**U GUIZ ROKK**

**CHAPTER 4**

**I was walking down da halway in skewl wen i saw Ed wif... bella! **

ZOh my god!

**she waz askin him sumfing n cring all over da place. "Wat is goin on" i snared **

She was…close, I guess.

**n edword hugged me n sed "Its ok i waz tring 2 ignore her butt she wnt go away."**

Mm-hmm.

**"Plz plz edmard" she cryed. "I realli want 2 go to homecumin wid u.**

Umm…did this girl even watch the movie?

**i go evry year wif no date n now im in luv wif u nd i want u to b mi date."**

Well, that answers my question.

**STFU edward sed. "Cant u see dat i alredi hav a date. Dis is my gf TWILA."**

You know, I think this makes me appreciate Robert Pattinson's Edward and the Edward in the saga _a lot_ more.

**"Yea u better bakk off." i told her. "odderwize thingz mite get messi." She ran away screming.**

*gigglesnort* I just got the image of Kristin Stewart running from a poorly dressed, illiterate, goth wannabe 15 year old, who is standing next to Robert Pattinson, who wearing eyeliner and looks like he's about to puke, while flailing her (KStew's) arms and screaming like a child.

I love my mind.

**"So hav u cn Esmet?' i assed him. "He waznt in homroom 2dai" **

Umm, maybe this is just me who would look it up, because I'm really anal about research, but the true Forks High School doesn't have a Homeroom. They have a standard 1 hour 1st period and then a 5 minute Advisory class.

**"Yea ummm Tqila, he transforrmed out of da skewl so he culd go on tourz wif Gerad."**

Wha-NO SCHOOL WOULD LET THIS HAPPEN! The tabloids would go batshit crazy! And if there was the slightest suspicion that Emmett wasn't 18, Gerard would be arrested for statutory rape!

**"But hes a vampir1" i was socked at dis. **

Uh duuuuuuh!

**"Yea but ur a vampiir 2." ed sed. "o yea." i sed. **

WHERE IS THE RELAVENCE?

**(a/n I DINT FORGET I WAZ WATING 4 DA RITE TIME TO BRING IT UP AGEN.) **

I-

I-

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

**so we both turned in2 batz n flew 2 class (no1 noticed).**

Captain Picard? You wanna take this one?

Captain Picard: *faceplam*

**When skewl ended i went in2 my car and drove hom. Wen I got der my sister was geting maried.**

They walked in on a wedding ceremony? Wow.

**"OMSG R U GETING MARIED 2 JAZER." i culd not beleve it. 'yea' she smeled. "I luv him n he iz goin 2 live wif us now."**

This is all going too fast.

**I storted 2 cry becuz ed n i wernt maried yet. **

Jesus, it's one thing to be jealous because of this, but it's moral protocol to be happy for her, and not show your jealousy in public, you selfish bitch.

**Midnite trid to hug me but i shot her away, bcuz her lif waz so much betta dan mine. "Im alredi 16 n im not marred yet." **

Where does this girl live? The early 1900's? For fuck's sake, woman!

**tears swam down mi beatiful face.**

Oh, fuck me!

**Suddenly... dey al shoted "SURPISEE!1" **

What?

**Midnite n Jasper wernt getting married... **

WHAT?

**IT WAZ 4 ME AND ED! **

WHAAAAAT?

**(a/n dey got mared da next day insted).**

A surprise wedding? You wanna take this, Val Kilmer's Bruce Wayne?

Bruce Wayne: It just raises too many questions.

**"NO WAY I was sooo inflated. **

Your ego, maybe.

**Edward and me had an atheest ceremoni in my hose. So we were huband and wives. Midnite, Jazper, Esmie, Emet, Gerad, Rose, were all dere... but so waz... ALLICE!**

Dun Dun Duuuuuuuuun!

**"I hope ur not mad dat me n ur brother r married." i sed to her gothikally after da wedding. "I told u that i dunt lik u that way, im not lezz."**

I think we got that.

**"Sigh" she knew. So we all went 2 a party n had lots of blood. Then we went bak to mi house. Some1 rang the bell n i answered it, making out wif Edword.**

How does that work?

**"Y DID U MARRI HIM YOU IGNORANIUS." shoted da guy at da door. It was Bibby Brown. **

…Huh?

**He ran in on his weelchaire n Jacob flowed him. **

Oh, god. *facepalm* It's BILLY…BLACK. You couldn't get THAT much right?

**"Dont u dare tuch Twia." snotted Ed. **

*raises head* What? She-she actually got some of Edward in character?

**Every1 came 2 c what waz happening. "Why wold I toch her, shes hieneous" he glarred at me.**

And-and partially Jacob, too? OH, HAPPY DAY!

**"THATS IT NOW I HAV 2 KILL U." boomed mi busband. **

(Oh, happy day)

**He turned in2 a savage lik da time i went to his house. **

Oh, happy DA-AY!

**I told him 2 stop becuz i needed to talk to Bolly n Jakob. he stoped.**

Dammit, that didn't last long.

**"Ok y dont u want us 2 be together y is our love so bad 4 u" i cried. "Itz because... I CANT SAY IT." sed da guy in da wheelcher.**

Oh, no. He's not gonna…

**"JUST SPIC IT OUT." every1 sed. **

Whoa! Kinda racist there.

**he began to cry histerical. "Mebe dis song will help u undersand." he started 2 sing in his crampy old voice "WELL I MIS U. I MISS U SO FAR. N DA COMMISION OF UR KISS, DAT MADE IT SO HARD."**

She's not gonna…

**Well gerald was FORIOUS becuz dat was his song n he started 2 attak him bcuz of copiright refrigement. (a/n I DNT OWN THE LYRCS TO DA SONG EITHER).**

Now, that was funny.

**Ther was a big fite n i storted to cry "Oh no, ur in luv with me arnt u." **

He's not gonna say it…

**And Bobby Ran away from gerad n sed YES. **

Noooooooooo! No! No! No! Uh-No! NO! No, no! NO! *shakes head* No! No. No. No. *laughs* No. *mouths* No. No. *speaks* No, no, no, no, NO! No *project had at audience* No! No! No! I'm projecting my no onto this! No!

**Edword killed him.**

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAOTER 4XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**IF U R LEVING ME LONG AZZ REVEIWS ON Y I RUNED UR LIFE DEN SORRI **

I wish this was still up in its entirety, so I can read those, because that is fucking hilarious!

**GET DA FUKK OVA IT. i am gong 2 keep makin chaptas **

I gotta say, even though this whole thing is horribufukkis, I admire her (and Tara's) perseverance of keeping these up as long as possible.

**n if u report me den ur a lozer, ill just make a new accont. NEWAYZ FANX 2 DA PPL HU GAVE ME GOOD REVEIWS AGEN U GUYZ KEEP ME GOING. PLZ ENJOY CHAPTA 5.**

**CHAPTER 5**

**We didnt no whut 2 do wif all da blood from bobby brown so every1 just drank it off da floor. **

Oh my god, I just got an image of about 10 vampires kneeling on the floor sucking blood from it with those krazy straws that were popular in the 90's.

**We had weding gamez n shit and jacob left cuz he waz angri at us 4 some resason. **

You…killed…his…father. I think quite the number of people would be rightly pissed.

**We playd spin da bottle n GErard had 2 kiss ed. (a/n lol bi guyz r sooo hot) **

We get it!

**i waznt jelous cuz dey r both guyz. **

I'd still be jealous.

**But Emetr was deprezzed becuz Gerord is his bf. **

This is why you need to set up rules before playing spin the bottle.

**We listened 2 Green day and he got cheered up.**

**I was gong 2 sleep **

Vampires don't sleep!

**dat nite when i got posesesd by Saten. But it was ok cuz were friendz **

Y'know, as you do.

**n he just doez dat sometimes as a joke. **

This just took a hilarious turn.

**I asked him wat he wanted n he told me 2 kill Rosemarie.**

**"What y?" I new dat Ed would be angey if i killed his sister. **

Wouldn't Edward hear all of this?

**"Becoz she is a blond prepp" sed satan suicidelly. **

Satan is suicidal?

**So I went 2 der house in da dark n i knew wich was rosalyns room becuz da door was pink with pompomz **

Even Rosalie wouldn't have that.

**hanging from it n a poster of Holary Duff. I broke down da door but inside waz... EDWIRD!**

**"WTF IS GOING ON U ASSHOLE" i scremed "DIS IS UR ROOM?" "NO LET ME FUKKING EXPLAN" he began to cry. Den i saw... ROSA WAS ON TOP OF HIM!**

Y'know, as ya do.

**"EW WTF U BUSTARD DATS UR SISTER!1" i exploded. **

Oh, my god, that is hilarious.

**I transofmed **

Transformers! Robots in disguise!

**n began to tear da room apart n ripped all da preppy posters down. I jumped at Rosalien n bit her neck nd she started having a sezure. Then she ran around nd died. **

Well, that was offensive.

**Ed kept crying.**

**"Dis is disgusting" **

I love it when the story describes my perception of it. It makes my work so much easier.

**i said wif disgust. "I cant beleve it, u nd Rose." "Just listen ok" he pleased. "I culdnt c in da dark, I thought she was you."**

SHE'S NOT EVEN IN THE SAME GODDAMNED HOUSE!

**"Yea rite like I beleve dat. We're getting a devorce!" I waz so pissed. But den Edward got on his knes n sang "If u mary me, will u bury me, will u carry me 2 da end?" Nd I remembad da promise we had mad ova dat song when we got marred. We sed we wuld alwayz b der 4 each odder.**

HE JUST CHEATED ON YOU! WITH HIS SISTER!

**"Ok fine dis is ur last chance bittch." I ran out of da room nd saw Carlose in da hall. "Hey babez" he laffed. **

Y' know what? This is not Carlisle. This is his evil twin, who is visiting. Carlisle is not in this story.

**"Im so much betta dan edward, y dont u come upsters wif me?" But I just ran away sadly becuz every1 wanted sumfing from me.**

That's the life of a Mary Sue.

**The next day was a bad tim becuz it was akward betwn me nd Ed. **

I would say so.

**Nd plus Midnite was in da hospital from slitting her rists, **

NOT…A…JOKING…MATTER!

**becuz Jazper had called her a slutt. **

Verbal abuse: also not a joking subject.

**He waz getting realli moody all da time nd he acted jelous around me nd Ed all da time. I asked him abot it in skewl**

**"Hey y da fukk did u mak my sister slit her rists." I roared. **

Now THIS is a proper reaction.

**He sighed wif deprezzion nd sed "Im just not in luv wif her anymore, after u killed alic I saw ur true strength." **

She…she didn't kill Alice.

**"What r u saying?" I dint undestand. "Im saying dat i would rather b with u dan her. So I was hopping dat she wuld kill herself nd we wuld b devorced."**

You know that there ARE these things called "lawyers" that take care of divorce for you. You're family has a shit-ton of money, anyway, what with Edward having 7 Ph.D.'s in medicine over the years (Yes, I read Midnight Sun, and liked it okay. I am a walking contradiction, aren't I?), and the rest of you doing what you do over the years.

**"Omg i wuld neva b wif u in a million years, ur a terrible person..." **

FINALLY SHE GOT ONE REACTION RIGHT!

**i sed wif tears of blood pooping down my pale face. **

Umm…ew.

**I waz wearing violet fishnetz wif safety pins in dem and a red corset wif a blakk vest over it n a pentagram n lots of safety pins nd tight blakk jeanz. Mikael, Jabob, Bella, n Jessa **

Oh, my god, she got the names semi-right.

**all gatered around us. Jasp waz so embarassed. A lot of da teachers came over n stared at me.**

**"Twila plz report 2 da principles office." The teachers sed strangly. So i followed dem nd da princple was der and he sed to me "Im sorri but we r going 2 hav 2 tranfer u to a diff skewl."**

**"OMFG NO." sed loudly. **

OMFG, yes!

**"I CANT DIS IS WER EDWARD GOZ 2 SCHOL." **

You two are married. You'll still see one another.

**"Yes," they admited uncomfortly. "But ur causing a realli bad diserbance in da school. U c der is somthing... odd abot u. **

Nah.

**Nd no1 feelz comfortble wif u here so u hav 2 go 2 dat other school in Waschington, calld Mount Saint Prepz Acadamy. "**

**I culdnt beleve it. I waz nevr gong 2 see ed agen **

Yes, you would.

**if i went dere. I jumpd out da window n ran home n took out a nife and cut miself. Der waz blood all ova da floor nd i fell down and started 2 die.**

Let me say this to you in a language you can understand, honey.

You Twila. Me Liza. You dumbass. Me smart. You vampire. Me human. Vampire no bleed. You no can die of slit wrists.

**XXXXX 2 BE CONTINUED XXXXXXX**

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAPER 5XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**OK GUYZ SORRI FOR DA CLIPHANGER. I WILL UPDATE SOON. REVIEWS THANX.**

Okay, guys. This section is very special, because I am now 19 and, because of that, I'll try to have a new chapter up either later today or tomorrow.


	4. Chapters 6 through 8

I know I promised you guys a second chapter on the 6th of September, but I got a bit sidetracked, and, recently, I've not been in a good place emotionally, and didn't want that reflected in my writing.

**A/N: ok u noe wat prepz? im gong 2 rite mi stori betta so u guyz kan stup complaning abot chatzpeek. **

No! Please don't! I'll have nothing to mock!

**SO NOW U WILL HAV NOTHING 2 FLAMM ABOT HA HA. nd btw stopp tellin me 2 use spellchek, becuz im using notpad nd it dosnt have it ok! **

And that, y'all, is why I use Word.

**midnite fanx for da good reveiws, n every1 else hu gav me good reveiws, u guyz rokk! **

Someone other than her Beta gave her a GOOD REVIEW?

**TATA GLIESBIE I LUV U! PREPZ STUP FLAMMING!1 GOTHZ ROCK 666**

**CHAPTER 6**

**XXX CONTINUD FROM DA LAST CHAPTER XXX**

Well du-uh!

**When I woke up Deward was over me. "Twilla. TWILA!" he screwed into my ear. **

Someone saw Family Guy.

**"Youre going to be ok."**

**My long strait hair was all around me, **

He took time to straighten her hair? Well, at least his priorities are in place.

**I was laying on the flor. I was wearing a black spagitti strap shirt with a matching sweatshirt over it nd a blak jean skirt with MCR pins on it. **

Hmm…replace the skirt with acid washed blue jeans, make the sweatshirt baggy and hang off the shoulders, and make the MCR pins Motey Crue and/or H.I.M. pins and I would wear that outfit.

Also, HE CHANGED HER, TOO?

**I had on ripped fishnets and blak highheels that had spikes coming out of them. **

A)That's a safety hazard

B)If they're patent leather heels, those and denim don't really go together, in my opinion.

And 3)Fishents, and closed-toed shoes? Those must smell!

**There were bandagez all over my arms and body were I cut myself. **

Where else would they be?

**You could c the blood coming thru.**

What part pf vampires don't bleed does she not get?

**"Just fukk off ok?" I said with a sad smile and I storted to cry. He tried 2 comfort me.**

**He had his bronz hair in spikes with purple steaks **

In what universe does bronze hair and purple streaks look attractive?

**in it and he had on white fondation on his sexah face. There were tears raining down from his topaz eyes. "No plese tell me y you did this." He shooted.**

Why else do posers cut themselves? To look cool and get attention!

**"I dont want to effing talk abot it ok can you just bakk the fuk off!" **

She's such a ray of sunshine! I can see why he married her. Back off boys and girls! This keeper's taken!

**I was so depressed. **

Oh, Edward must have restored the Poser-Bot 1000 back to the original settings.

**I got up off the floor and tried 2 run out the door but Edward stopped me. "WAIT!" **

Yeah, you forgot your bags!

**he whimspered. "There is some1 waiting for you out there, itz not safe." **

Good idea, Edward! Use reverse psychology to send her to her doom!

**His voice got all low and hott like a male version of Amy Lee **

O.o Is…Is this her way of coming out with wanton sexual desires for women?

**in the begining of Goin Under.**

**"But I really need too talk to you." I begged pleasingly. **

YOU WERE THE ONE THAT WANTED TO LEA-AARRGGHH!

**"Lissen, I cant stay in dis school anymore."**

Why are you making this sound like your choice? You were suspended.

**"WE CAN TALK LATER, WATCH OUT, SHEZ ABOUT TO BREAK DOWN THE DOOR!"**

What?

**Suddenly I turned around and the door smashed down. It was .. ... BUFFI THE VAMPIR SLAYER! **

…Huh?

**(a/n fanx for da sugestion! 666 XXX)**

Why do I get the feeling it was a sarcastic review, and she's like 1st season Sheldon Cooper, and doesn't comprehend sarcasm.

**"Ahahaha, dont even bother," she said meanly. "You cant escape from me Twila Beatiful Psyco Topaz Sad'ness Cullen."**

YES! KILL HER! Wait…she added Sadness as a middle name? So she has 4 middle names?

Val Kilmer's Bruce Wayne: It just raises to many questions

**But I was to angry to even c her. "You now what Edword, u never pay attencion to me. **

He straightened your hair and changed your outfit while you were unconscious from blood loss (which is STILL impossible)…and he's STILL not paying enough attention to you? Does he have to wait on you hand and fo-wait a minute, look at who I'm talking to.

**Why dont you just go to Emett, so you guys can screw? **

They're…brothers.

**Becuz you obviously dont care abot me." **

He doesn't care about y-HE STAYED BY YOUR SIDE AFTER YOU PASSED OUT FROM BLOOD LOSS!

**"NO PLEASE" he got down on his knees with dark tearz of sorrow. "Give me another chance"**

I doubt Edward would grovel to even Bella…and he's so far up her ass he can see what she had for breakfast her first day of life!

**"Do you remebr what I said that nite." He lookd at me all confused and sad, and Buffie started 2 take out her sword. **

Has…she just been standing there, waiting the whole time?

**"I SED ONE MORE CHANCE AND I MEANT IT NOW YOU CAN JUST GET THE FUKK OUT OF MI LIFE BECAUSE YOU ONLY HURT ME."**

And what do you think you're doing to her?

**I took off da pentargram he had gotten me nd just before I was about to throw it out the window he ran over and hugged me and startd 2 sing "Cruxifiction in Space" by Marlin Manson. Dat song was so touching and I had to forgiv him.**

...So just sing her a song, and she's fine? So…if I were to shoot her…and then sing a Good Charlotte song, she wouldn't give a shit?

**"Excus me were were we?" laughed Buffie da Vampir Slayer looking at us. "Look if u dont get out of here, i am gong to post dese pictures of u screwing Angell on the internet!" I shooted. **

I liked the show, but I was never really that into it, plus I haven't seen the show in a long time but wasn't Angel Buffy's boyfriend?

**She got scared becaus she didnt want 2 end up like that prep Pares Hilton.**

**A lot of other stuff happened **

Great filler section you got there.

**nd then Edword went home, we were still marred. **

Then why aren't they living together?

**But I didnt get 2 talk 2 him abot transferring. I went home n listened to Panic At Da Disko and put on a blak nitegown nd put my hare up in a blakk skull clip. I went 2 take a bathe **

The music and the hair clip I see, but she put on a night gown to take a bath?

**but when I went to da tub I saw. ... Edard!**

I know they're married and all, but that is creepy.

**"How did u get in here?" I asked shockly with anger. "I transported n, I have telekinisis." **

Please, Twila, explain to us how telekinesis works in your little fucked up, ignorant world.

**(a/n LIKE VOLXEMORT FROM MY IMMORTAL LOL.)**

Oh, dear, sweet baby Jesus.

**So we took off our cloths nd you guyz can guess what we did (yea u pervs get ur mindz out of the glutter.) **

"We made love" would have sufficed just fine. And at least she doesn't attempt to write a sex scene.

**The next morning I woke up and I COULDNT BELEVE IT.**

**"OMFG ED WAKE UP RITE NOW." I scremed. He drove over 2 my house to see what waz wrong. **

Wait. I'm confused. Did he ditch her after the sex or did they fuck on separated sides of town?

**"IM PREGGANT." I was crying. I started 2 kut my rists over the bandages with a razor. **

Okay. I can deal with the "Suicide attempts are cool!" and "Cutting makes me look cool!" shit. Barely, but I can deal with it. But how selfish are you that you would try to kill yourself AND deprive your husband (who loves you more than any man I've ever see) of a possible child!

Also, VAMPIRE PREGNANCIES…DON'T…_WORK THAT WAY!_

**Just then da fone rang, it was the principal saying "Twola, ur going to be late for ur first day at Mount Saint Prepz Acadamy."**

Does the principal have a Big Brother-like camera system in her house?

**"THATZ IT THIS COULDNT BE ANY WORSE." **

Oh, it does. Trust me.

**I flew in2 my bed and kept crying nd my pillow turned red nd black with makup and blood.**

**"YOURE GOING 2 MOUNT SAINT PREPZ ACADAMY?" EDWARD YELLED. "I WAS TRYING TO TELL U THAT LAST NIGHT YOU IDIOTIC AIDS!"**

**I culdnt take it, my life was absolutely terrible and I had nofing left to live for. **

You're pregnant. Think of someone other than your…self…goddammit!

**Edword tried 2 calm down and hug me but I punched him away.**

Rude little bitch.

**"Please itll be ok." He pormised. But I didnt believe it. I just wanted 2 watch Da Ring nd overdosse with aspirin and pot. **

Okay, here's the thing, guys, aspirin causes rapid heartbeat and thins the blood a bit. I know this because I was in a bad emotional place in the 7th grade and overdosed on aspirin and Pamprin thinking it would kill me. All I did was puke and my heart was almost like I drank 7 cups of strong coffee with a shot of espresso in each cup. So if you did this, all you would do is trip balls, eat, and puke.

**I storted to sing How Could This Happen 2 Me by smipple plan. Ed weeped and weeped (a/n if u dont luv sensiteve guyz den fukk off!) nd I fell asleep having nitemares abot prepz and babiez.**

For some reason, I find that unbelievably hilarious.

**XXXXXXXXXXX END CHAPTER 5 XXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**lol I BET U DINT EXPECT DAT WELL U WILL HAVE 2 WATE ND C WAT HAPPENZ.**

**a/n: FLAMMERZ BAK OFF. GOTHZ FANX 4 DA GUD REVIOWS. **

Not one goth person I know would like this.

**sorry dat i tuk so lung 2 updatt! ok i waz lissening 2 lenkin park nd i storted 2 ovrdose on pot, crak, maryajana nd koke. **

Pot, crack, marijuana, and coke? I know Crack and cocaine aren't 100% the same, but marijuana twice?

**and i had 2 go 2 da hoospital for a week lol.**

Really? Joking about overdosing on drugs?

**CHAPTER 7**

**The next day I woke up in the morning and opened my icy topaz eyes. I was covered in blood. Der was blood all over my bed. My rists had started cutting during the night while I was having nightmares. I moaned smexily and got in the shower nd all da blood went down the drain all swirly nd stuff like in the movie "Pycho" (geddit lik part of mi name, btw if u dnt lik gorey moves lik dat den FUK OFF!).**

Why do I get the feeling she saw the shit remake?

**I had got sent the unform for fukking Mount Saint Preps Adacemy in the mail and I put it on suicidally. **

How does that happen?

**It was prep-pink with purple plaid and the skirt was realli long. **

The pink I could do without, but that sounds kinda cute.

**I got a knife and cut the skirt and made it really short. **

Why?

**I also got a black sharppie and made the whole thing blak. **

That's an unorthodox dying method.

**I put a bunch of MCR pins on it and sum safety pins. I made a bunch of rips in the shirt where my bobs go and you could see my lazy blak bra. **

I wasn't aware you could dress like a prostitute for school.

**I put up my long strait blak hair in a messy thing with spikes all shooting out and put on red ishadow with blak glitter in it**

Red eye shadow…I love it when this makes my shopping lists for me.

**When I got 2 school there were a million prepz **

So a third of the country's population attends your school? Seems legit.

**there and I started tu cry gothically and give them the middle finger. Plus I remembed that I was pregnant and I screaming and all the stupid preps got scared and ran to tell the teachers who all wore pink. **

Because that's how hormone swings work when you got a bun in the oven.

**But they were all crowded arond some1 and gasping with orgasm and bewildedfulness. I pushed through them giving them all dirty looks and saw who they were staring at. It waz. . ... Edword!**

Oh, goddammit.

**"OMGOD WTFRU!111 DOING HERE?" I shooted jumping into hir arms. All the teacherz got scared and ran away and kept looking at his beauty from the distance. **

Please. His abs are painted on and he sparkles. Real manly man you got there. Careful. He might break a nail.

**"Bby I just couldn't keep going to that skool without you. So I transferred here. That skool is just full of prepz now."**

**He storted to sing "You Know Whot They Do 2 Guys Like Us In Pirson" to me and I loved him. **

I've never heard the song, so I looked up the lyrics, they're about as romantic as the title of the song.

**I knew that he would alwez be there for me.**

**"Byt he way Twi, ur not pregg." I couldn't beleive it! **

Here's something I want to know: How did she know she was pregnant THE MORNING AFTER SEX? I mean, the vampire pregnancies go extremely quickly and all (Bella found out 2 days after she and Edward had sex and she gave birth a week and a half to two weeks after sex), but NOT THAT QUICK!

**He told me that he had gotten me tested and I wasn't going to have a baby.**

By that, she either means he extracted blood from her in her sleep, or he stuck a catheter in her urinary tract until enough pee filled the bag so he could get a urine sample. Both are equally creepy.

**"I'm so glad lol." I was crying with joy. We ditched skool and dropped out. **

That explains her illiteracy.

**We smoked drugs and alcolol outside and the prepz wished they were as cool as us. **

I do drink, but I don't do drugs, and I don't criticize people that do, but drugs and alcohol don't make you cool.

**Things were getting back to the good way that they used to be and.**

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END CHAP**

Props to a decent cliffhanger…in a shitty story, so no props at all.

**ok sorri it wuz so shortt, im still in rehab from da incidenx so i need 2 get better 2 rite more of da good stuff LOL bye.**

**a/n: OKSU GUYZ PREPSTOP FLARMING! siruisly if u fink mi grammer iZ BAD DEN FUKK U BITCH! **

Then fuck me and the rest of the world, I suppose.

**DIS TORY IS GONG 2 MAK ME FAMOOSE SUM DAY ND IT WILL B SOLD IN LIBARIES **

Oh, my god. She's no serious. I weep for the future of this planet.

**OK SO WNH I AM A MELLONAIR U BITCHEZ KAN CUM CLAWRING 2 ME ND I WILL SAY FUKK U OK!**

**disclainer: btw, TWILIGT does not belung 2 me, it is by serpantie millerz, **

Stephanie Meyer isn't the best writer in the world, but she's a fuck of a lot better than you.

**ok she wunt su me now.**

**PLZ ENJOY GOTHEZ, DANX FOR DA GUD COMMENX. i am out of rebab soo i will b able 2 updat more arugato! **

Did…did she just try to say 'arigato'?

**OH ND fanx 2 Rodriga for helping me wif da spanish! **

Oh, god-fucking-dammit.

**U WILL C WHAT I MEAN LOL x666x**

**CHAPTER 8**

**"Twila . . . . . . . . . ."**

**I kicked and whismered in my sleep as da voice got louder and louder. I was sleeping in bed with Edward, **

So, now they're sleeping in the same house? Do they just have sleepovers?

**but I don't think he heard it because he didn't say he heard it. Plus he was sleeping.**

THEY…DON'T…SLEEP!

**"TWILA, TILA!" said the voice screamingly. It sounded like an ugly old man, or it sounded like Midnite. **

That is…hilarious.

**I wazn't realli sure. I opened my eyes, which were like endless pools of beautiyful topaz. **

This is not the introduction. Stop describing your character's eyes.

**I looked around in the dark, but since I was a vampir I could see in the dark (a/n vampirs can see in the dark). I saw Ed next to me. His bornze hair was messy and sexah nd his pale skin glowed in the dark. He was silently singing "Da Hell Song" by sum-42 in his sleep.**

Sum-41, dumbass. And who the hell sings in their sleep?

**"Hoes there?" I crapped poisonally. **

*shakes with uncontrollable laughter*

**My long black hair whipped around me as I turned back and forth at da speed of light. **

I whip my hair back and forth! I whip my hair back and forth!

**I didn't c anyone there so I was fukking confused. **

Welcome to my world.

**I had on a silver nitegown with black linning, and blak lace all around da boobs. **

Ew.

**I was wearing blak stilettos nd had on tons of eyeliner that I had made cat eyes out of.**

A)I know a few women sleep in makeup and eyeliner around their men because they feel insecure or want to look more attractive. With her, I'm going with insecurity.

And 2) I know there are slightly heeled, peep-toed slippers that are incredibly cute, but WHO THE FUCK SLEEPS IN STILETTOS?

**Then the voice contunued to shout, "Cum to me Tila Beautifu Psyco Topaz Cullen. OPEN UR EYES TILA TEQUALA FOR IT IS ME!"**

**"WHAT?"! I shooted. "OK STOP FUKING AROND, WHO DA HELL IS ME?"**

I'm still not sure. We're still wondering that and why you're so goddamned stupid.

**Then I looked next to my bed and saw hu was standing ther! It was. .. ... A MAN!**

**"What r u doing u effing pervert." I giggled foriously. **

She giggled furiously? What form of black magic is this?

**"U now dat izn ot aportionate to b in a toung girlz rom?"**

**"Hahahaa. Si, but I c dat you are lovers wif mi enemios." He said in Spanish.**

God, I'm not even of Hispanic decent and I'm terribly offended.

**Suddenly Ed woke up and growled all ruff nd tuff. He shined his gloriosus teeth in the mans face nd he was temporerily blinded for life.**

That is the second best contradiction I've ever heard. The first is "God bless you Satan, you are always in my heart."

**"MY EYES!" the ugly man shotted. So I was right, it was an ugly man. I got out of bed seducingly taking off my cloths. **

Attention away from you for too long?

**Edmard gasped all angry and sensative (a/n lol jealous hot bi guyz r so great) **

WE GET IT, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

**becauz I was getting naked in front of a strangler. **

Please kill her. Please kill her. Please kill her.

**A lot of other stuff happened and den we found out that da mans name was James **

Wait, wait, wait. JAMES is and 'ugly old man' by your standards? CAM GIGANDET'S CHARACTER JAMES? HAVE YOU SEEN THE MAN? DID YOU _WATCH_ THE FUCKING MOVIE? JAMES IS FUCKING GORGEOUS! DID YOU SEE HIS ABS? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? I MEAN-*gets smacked in the back of the head*

Th-thanks for snapping me out of that, mysterious stranger…anyway, almost done.

**but becuz he is Spanish they call him like HAmez. We found this out because I bribed him wif my body.**

A/N: Okay guys. Here is the chapter. For updates on my progress, you can follow me on Twitter (www dot twitter dot com slash LizaMMX). I'll put "For those of you who read…" and whatever I'm working on at the time in the update tweets.


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